


Stupid

by katie_qrbgw



Series: So Goddamn Worthless [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Cutting, Depression, Heartbreak, M/M, Oral Sex, Rejection, Season/Series 14 Spoilers, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-30
Updated: 2018-10-30
Packaged: 2019-08-09 23:08:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16458782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katie_qrbgw/pseuds/katie_qrbgw
Summary: Jack turns to cutting himself to cope but Sam confronts him and one thing leads to another, ending up with Sam and Jack in bed together. But things don't turn out as Jack hoped.





	Stupid

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING
> 
> This fic contains self harm and cutting. Please do not read if you'll be triggered.

Jack’s so used to being invincible. So used to the lack of physical pain in his life that he’s not entirely sure on how to handle it. At first he hates pain. Hates the way his stitches ache from where he stabbed himself to save Sam. Hates the bruises scattering his body from the demon fight. Pain is supposed to be a bad thing, right? He’s holding a knife in his hand, standing alone in the kitchen. Jack wanted to do something nice and make dinner for Sam and Cas but now the carrots he was chopping are long forgotten as his eyes are fixed on the blade. He runs his thumb over the edge of the blade, feeling it barely knick his skin. Without thinking, Jack takes the knife and slices the side of his hand, watching with fascination as the warm, bright red blood drips down his wrist. 

He’s about to make another cut when Sam walks into the kitchen. “Hey, Jack. What are y- oh shit!” Sam cuts himself off when he sees the trail of blood seeping from Jack’s wound. Sam grabs a dish cloth and holds it to Jack’s hand. Only when Sam applies pressure to the cut does Jack register how much it hurts. He gasps in pain and tries to pull his hand away but Sam’s hold is too strong. “You have to be careful around knives. You’re lucky that this probably won’t need stitches,” Sam says and pulls the cloth back for a second to look at the cut. 

Jack doesn’t know how to answer. He can’t seem to do anything but stare as the blood seeps through the cloth. Sam thinks it was an accident. Jack doesn’t have it in him to tell Sam that it wasn’t. He almost feels guilty for hiding it from Sam but he knows the truth would only upset Sam. Jack lets Sam lead him to the bathroom and watches as Sam pulls out the first aid kit. Sam’s bandaging up his hand, Jack remembers the time when he stabbed himself in the chest just to watch it heal. A part of him has an urge to try that again, even though he knows it won’t heal now that he’s human, well at least until his grace recharges. 

Soon Sam finishes up bandaging up Jack. Jack doesn’t deserve Sam’s help, especially not when he inflicted the wound upon himself. But Jack smiles politely and thanks Sam for his help, promising to be more careful next time. It’s a promise he knows he’ll intentionally break but Sam’s just looking out for Jack. He stares at Sam and his heart aches with a mixture of love and guilt. Sam’s always cared so much, too much, and it makes him want to cry. Jack tries not to feel guilty for letting Sam down yet again. It seems he’s incredibly good at letting people down. Sam’s done everything for Jack and he owes Sam everything, instead he’s lying to him. 

It grows to become an addiction. Jack never meant to get this bad, but everything’s just spiraling out of control. Jack’s not even sure he wants to stop it. It’s the least he deserves. The blood bubbling out of the cuts comes as a comfort to him. It soothes away all the thoughts screaming that he should be doing more. He should be focusing on getting his powers back faster so he can stop Michael but instead he continues to slide the razor over his skin. 

A week later Jack’s late for his hunter training session with Bobby, so Bobby sends Sam to find him. Sam goes to Jack’s room, forgetting to knock as he walks in. Jack’s on his bed, making multiple slices along his forearm with a razor blade. Sam walking in makes Jack accidentally cut deeper than intended. “Sam!” 

“J-Jack? What the fuck to you think you’re doing?!” Sam asks, his voice raised as he takes the blade out of Jack’s hands and sets it on the dresser. 

Jack’s eyes tear up when Sam raises his voice. He never meant to make Sam angry. He never wanted Sam to find out. “I’m sorry…” Jack whispers in a shaky voice. “Just go.”

Sam takes off his flannel and holds it to Jack’s bleeding wrist. Jack didn’t cause himself too much damage but Sam still wants to be sure. “Why would you do this?” Sam asks softly as he sits next to Jack on the bed.

Jack doesn’t look at Sam as he says, “I deserve it. It’s my fault Dean’s gone. He wouldn’t have said yes if it wasn’t for Lucifer taking me.”

Sam’s jaw tenses and he shakes his head. “Jack, you don’t deserve this. You’ve done absolutely nothing to deserve this. You couldn’t have controlled whether or not Dean said yes.”

Jack knows that’s not true. “I’ve hurt so many people, so I deserve to hurt myself. I’m useless. I’m no good in a fight without my powers. I don’t know why you bother keeping me around. I can’t do anything right.”

“Jack…” Sam says quietly and takes Jack’s hand in his, catching Jack off guard and causing a blush to appear on Jack’s cheeks at the contact. “None of that’s true. Please talk to me next time before hurting yourself. No matter what you think, you don’t have to go through this alone. I’m here for you to talk to. I… I know what you’re going through,” Sam says and rolls up his sleeve to show dozens of faded scars along his arm. Jack never noticed them before, but he never knew what to look for. Now that he sees them, he’ll never be able to forget they’re there. It hurts Jack to know that Sam would do that. 

Jack runs his thumb over Sam’s faded scars. “Have you ever told anyone before?”

Sam shakes his head. “No, just you.”

Jack suddenly moves and wraps his arms around Sam in a tight hug, just needing to feel Sam close. Sam doesn’t hesitate to hug Jack back. “Sam? I love you.”

Sam blushes slightly, squeezing Jack tighter with a smile on his lips. It’s not exactly something Sam hears everyday. Honestly, it’s not something Sam ever hears. He knows Dean loves him, but Dean’s never been one to speak his feelings. “I love you too, Jack.”

“No,” Jack pulls away from the hug and looks at Sam, meeting Sam’s beautiful hazel eyes. “I’m in love with you.”

Sam furrows his brows and shakes his head and Jack knows he’s made a mistake. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You can’t be in love with me. You’re too young.”

“Too young? I’m not a little kid, Sam,” Jack mutters, glancing down at Sam’s flannel still wrapped around his wrist. He never should’ve said anything. 

“I didn’t say you were, but…” Sam trails off and tilts Jack’s chin up, making Jack look at him. “Are you serious?”

Jack nods, having never been more serious about anything in his life. “I wouldn’t lie about something like that.” Sam leans in, closing the gap between their lips and gently kissing Jack. Jack, surprised at first, slowly kisses back, relishing in the sensation of Sam’s soft lips against his. Sam gently tugs on Jack’s bottom lip with his teeth, earning a soft groan from Jack. Sam pulls away all too soon. 

“I’m in love with you too,” Sam says quietly, a smile on his lips. Jack all but tackles Sam, wrapping his arms around Sam’s neck and kissing him hungrily. Sam’s oxygen and Jack’s drowning, desperate to breathe. Sam pulls away, cheeks flushed, when Jack crawls onto his lap and unbuckles his jeans. “Don’t you think we should take it slow?”

Jack shakes his head and kneels in front of Sam as he pulls off Sam’s pants. “I don’t wanna take it slow. Want you now,” he says, looking up at Sam. “Do you think we should stop?” he asks, not yet taking off Sam’s boxers. 

Sam knows it’s wrong but right now he wants nothing more than to feel Jack’s mouth on his cock. “Don’t stop,” Sam whispers and Jack pulls off Sam’s boxers with a grin. “Do you know what you’re doing?” 

“I think so,” Jack says but there’s a hint of uncertainty in his voice. 

“It’s okay, I’ll walk you through it.” Sam’s never had to teach anyone how to give a blowjob and if he’s being honest, the idea of it turns him on. “Start by licking along my cock then gently suck on the tip.”

Jack slowly drags his tongue over Sam’s cock, tracing along the vein underneath and Sam lets out a soft moan through his parted lips. Sam’s hands clench the bed sheets and spreads his legs further. Wrapping his lips around the head of Sam’s cock, he starts to suck as he looks up and meets Sam’s eyes. Fuck, Jack’s gonna be the death of Sam. Jack swirls his tongue over the tip and Sam practically whines. Jack pulls off Sam’s cock and licks his lips. “Like that?” Jack asks, but he can already tell Sam enjoyed it judging by his reaction. 

“Just like that,” Sam tells him. “Now take my cock into your mouth and start to suck and move your head up and down.”

Jack wraps his lips around Sam’s cock again and starts bobbing his head up and down, sucking lightly. “Shit, Jack,” Sam groans out, his hand finding its way to Jack’s hair and threading his fingers through it. Jack’s mouth feels like heaven. Sam can’t get enough. He starts to guide Jack’s head up and down faster and Jack sucks harder in response. 

Jack rests his hands on Sam’s thighs and gently squeezes as he sucks Sam’s cock, gagging slightly as Sam unintentionally bucks his hips up into Jack’s mouth. “Oh god Jack, I’m gonna cum,” Sam cries out, cumming in Jack’s mouth before he can pull Jack off his cock. Jack does his best to swallow it all but half of it ends up dripping down his chin.

He pulls off and looks up at Sam. “Was that okay?” he asks nervously. 

Sam grins and grabs a tissue off the nightstand and wipes Jack’s mouth off before pulling Jack in for a kiss, licking into Jack’s mouth and humming when he tastes himself. “That was amazing.”

The next day Jack finds Sam sitting at the dining table along with Mary, Bobby and a couple other hunters. They’re eating pancakes and bacon for breakfast despite it nearly being noon. Jack takes a seat next to Sam and smiles brightly over at Sam. “Good morning,” he hums. He’s been in a much better mood since last night. He was disappointed when he woke up and Sam was gone but he understood Sam had things to do.

Sam doesn’t look over at Jack, keeping his eyes on his half eaten food. “Morning,” he mumbles. 

“What’s the matter?” Jack asks with furrowed brows. Did something happen? Maybe it had to do with Dean. 

Sam shakes his head. “Nothing.” He stands and walks out of the kitchen, leaving behind the rest of his meal. 

Jack follows after Sam immediately, catching up to him in the library. He grabs Sam’s shoulder, turning Sam to look at him. In response, Sam shoves Jack backwards. It’s not a hard enough push to know Jack over but it definitely surprises Jack, his eyes wide. He blinks a few times before asking, “What’s wrong?”

“Just drop it, Jack,” Sam says before lowering his voice. “I know you think that what happened last night means we’re together or something, but we’re not. It was a one time thing. It was… It was a mistake.”

Jack feels a pain in his chest he can only describe as heartbreak. He’s never felt anything like it. His eyes burn with unshed tears. “Y-You said you loved me… I thought you were in love with me...”

Sam sighs and runs his hand through his hair. “We can’t be together,” is all he says. 

Jack’s hands find his way to Sam’s flannel without Jack’s permission and they clutch at Sam’s shirt. “Don’t do this. You love me too. You said so. Please Sam, I want to be with you. I don’t what’s wrong but we can figure it out. We can still be together. I-I love you,” his voice is cracking and he’s struggling not to cry. “Don’t leave me…”

Sam pulls Jack’s hands off his shirt and he takes a step away from him. “I don’t love you. I never did.”

“B-But why not?”

Sam clenches his jaw and he can’t look Jack in the eyes. “Because whenever I look at you, I see your father. I can’t be with you, Jack. You’re a good kid and all, but I don’t feel the same. I’m sorry.” 

Jack runs out of the library and into his room. He grabs his duffel bag, throwing clothes in there through the tears. Sam doesn’t love him, he never did. Jack’s so stupid for believing Sam would want to be with him. Jack’s broken, clueless, and stupid. So so stupid. On top of everything, Jack’s evil. All he does is bring people pain. Of course Sam doesn’t want him. Why would he? 

His clothes, laptop, razor blade and any other necessities are packed and he takes one last look at the room that once felt like home. Jack lets out a sob and closes the door to his room before leaving the bunker. He has no intention of returning.


End file.
